So you fucked up. You had some beers with the boys after work but told your girl you’d be home for dinner, things got out of hand and you ended up rolling in the door at 2 am on a Tuesday night. 13 missed calls later and a text saying “fuck you, whatever”, she was worried sick.

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This isn’t a fucking self help website but it’s important for you to know what the Doghouse is, and if you don’t know what it is already, let us explain because it’s for your own damn good ok.


The Doghouse is a place you go when you piss off your girl to a point where you lose control of the situation. As in, you’ll become a guilty mess even if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong plus you’ll be subjected to various ongoing manipulation so pay attention.

During your stint in the Doghouse, you’ll have no say in the relationship as you come to realize you fucked up by either A) ignoring her, B) deceiving her or C) betraying her. The realization of knowing you’re in the Doghouse usually comes the morning after when you wake up to a door slamming, her car speeding off or even worse, a text message saying “delete my number, fuck you asshole”.

So let’s break it down.

 A: Ignorance is NOT bliss in the Doghouse

A simple ‘missed’ phone call from your girl can lead to disastrous outcomes if you don’t act quickly. If you don’t have a valid excuse that is, you’re going to have a hard time trying to convince your girlfriend, wife or squeeze of your whereabouts when you knew you were expected somewhere else. When this happens, two things occur. 1) you know you’re meant to be somewhere and decide to push on and ignore her and 2) you cancel at the last minute and say “something’s come up”. Don’t do either of these OK. Just don’t. Instant Doghouse if you do.

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Solution: Act as quickly as possible. The faster you reply to quash any suspicion or doubt is the surest bet to assure her that you’re not ignoring or avoiding her. The second you decide to change plans and go for drinks after work instead of heading home, call her, don’t text. Calling affirms you’re not hiding anything behind texts. Be honest, say you had a shit day and want a beer with the boys, tell her you’ll be home soon and end the conversation quickly. Don’t write long bible long screen-filled text messages of shit, she won’t believe you.

B: Don’t lie to your partner, just don’t do it.

So you were meant to be home for dinner but decided to head to the bar. One beer in, the phone rings, it’s her. Whatever you do at this point, don’t stare at the fucking phone. Whatever you do, don’t let it ring out and then text her “I got caught up at work, still here, big day.” If you do this, you’re fucked from the get go. You’ll have beer on your breath and with social media and smartphones, you won’t stand a chance when she suspects your movements.

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Solution: Don’t lie, tell her you want to go for a beer and cop it on the chin. Even if it’s a small argument, this can actually be beneficial to relationships.

C: Don’t lie to her about your whereabouts and then end up in another girls bed.

If you’re at this point, you are literally fucked. By this point you’ve probably ignored all her calls and messages, stayed out and gotten wasted and then hooked up with some random broad. Either way, the serious damage is done and her trust for you will be in tatters. This is ultimate Doghouse material here. We’re talking bread and water for three months in the cold rain. If you can dig your way out of this, you must be a millionaire, congrats.

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Solution:  If you suspect you’ll cheat prior to drinking with another girl, head straight home. Do not go out. Go home, wake up clear headed and tell your girl you want to end it. Otherwise if your not 70% to 90% into this girl chances are you will end up eventually sharing sheets with another broad and if that happens, you’re going to be in the Doghouse for a long fucking winter.

 D: Find another girl like below

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Godspeed gentlemen.